My son has recently joined the local soccer club. It’s his first year actually playing in a team so we are all pretty pumped. Me maybe more for the bacon and egg rolls on offer at the end of the match, but I am still pumped to actually learn the rules of soccer which I should probably do around about now. I got my son into soccer because putting it nicely, he isn’t much of a team player. He likes doing things his way, I am really not 100% sure where he got that trait from, it must be way, way, way down the blood line. But none the less I thought it would be good for him to get in there and have to work with other kids for an end result. You know team bonding, team attitude, all help out getting the ball that way and flying the ‘give things a go’ flag.
It turns out he absolutely loves it, we need to brush up on the fact that he needs to actually try to get the ball in the goal instead of just running up and down and smiling heaps, but hey, he gives it a red hot go and that’s all that matters to me. You will still see me beaming from ear to ear like an idiot clapping her son and cheering, blissfully unaware it’s gone into the opponent’s goal and not ours.
As my husband and I were driving to the soccer field for grading day my husband turned and said to me “well you are officially a soccer mum”. It got me thinking about what being a soccer mum entailed. In my mind the first thing I thought of was an array of soccer balls, water bottles, smelly boots and oranges filling my car and that was about it. What I didn’t realise, is there is an actual definition of a ‘soccer mum”. So I decided to ask around and do some research because if my son is going to brush up on his skills I better see what my new role entails. I even found a google search on soccer mum haircuts, because apparently, this is a thing. Sounds like this could be a life-changing experience for everyone involved. This is what I found out through some interesting online resources and some hilarious male friends:
- So apparently according to a lot of people, a soccer mum is a white, middle-class lady and owns an SUV. Mmm, an interesting stereotype right there. I’m pretty sure I didn’t see just white people there and I may have a problem in that I own a Subaru that is at least 8 years old (the shock) and it’s a station wagon. Surely that counts for fitting heaps of soccer balls and trays of frozen oranges in the back though right?
- According to one source on the internet “soccer mums are usually seen screaming at people and getting into car accidents”. Wow okay, well I fit the bill on the screaming, hubby and kids could vouch for that I am sure. Clearly, I need to get my road rage on more frequently. Get a bit more winding down the window and yelling profanities or something along those lines? Perhaps I should start practicing that in the school pick up line next week. They’ll understand, I am a newbie soccer mum and I clearly need practice in this area. Drop off and pick up are the perfect place to practice on other parents too.
- According to the Urban Dictionary (kind of like the bible), one person said: “they wear sweat pants, drink fancy coffee and carry around their phone”. See this I can do. Leggings count don’t they? Who doesn’t live in leggings on Saturday morning at the crack of dawn?And if you don’t see me with a coffee and my phone then you know that something is going wrong! Can anyone get through any sort of Saturday morning sport without a strong hot coffee and their phone? I am sure scrolling through facebook a couple of times is allowed. Plus how else will I take 212 photos of my son every match to show everyone what a superstar he is? Like, seriously.
- According to another online source, we soccer mums are busy, overburdened, drive a minivan or SUV (that seems to come up a lot) and are portrayed as putting the needs of her family and children ahead of her own. Now if I really thought about this, apart from the fact that most of my friends don’t own minivans I would say all of us put our family and kids needs ahead of our own, otherwise, we would all be meeting for freaking breakfast on Saturday morning. Does that mean I can refer to all my friends as soccer mums even though their kids don’t play soccer?? Perhaps instead of doing that for our kids we can meet for brunch and a mani/pedi and then all be labelled as selfish bitches for not caring enough. Because carting my kids all over Sydney for their array of sporting activities is exactly what I want to be doing every single weekend. Of course, we put their needs first, you idiot!
- Another comment was, it is important to accessorise with a Starbucks coffee or another artsy tumbler containing a wheat grass smoothie, refreshing lemon water, or a protein shake. I get the coffee thing, I am so there but like I said, I’m there for the bacon and egg roll at the end and isn’t it a given that soccer night is pizza night? Perhaps I just mention that we are going home for buckwheat pancakes and soy milkshakes and everyone will believe me.
- One male friend told me I need to wear big black sunglasses. Guilty as charged.
- And my clothing advice was high-waisted loose fit jeans, turtleneck, and a sweater embroidered with a picture of a cat, duck, or Christmas wreath. They all just sound like classy babes to me, so hopefully, my leggings tie in with my turtleneck or knitted jumper. No one mentioned ugg boots but there is no way they aren’t coming out in the middle of winter. I am happy to be the one to bring ugg to the soccer field.
So I think I pretty much have it. That lady you see in a few Saturdays time with the French Bulldog sweater, leggings, big sunglasses and ugg boots hoping out of my station wagon/minivan yelling at the kids and giving the finger to the car parked in front of me and juggling coffee, balls and my phone will be me. There wasn’t even a mention of frozen oranges at all.