The House Is Empty But My Heart Is Full

It’s Sunday morning and I have woken up to a completely empty house. The house is empty but my heart is full.   No kids and no husband.  I repeat.  No kids and no husband.  This is the first time in 7 whole years that this has ever happened.  No, I haven’t left them and decided to run away to Mexico.  The kids are spending a lovely weekend at Nana and Pop’s house as they do sometimes.  Normally they go and stay with them every 3 months or so and this gives us a really nice break.  Husband and I have been together for 17 years and we are best friends.  It’s crazy that when the kids are away we can literally talk for hours.  It’s almost like we talk more when I always think we will run out of things to talk about.  I really feel that the kids get so much out of this, they probably get spoilt rotten and always come back super tired and full of treats but it is lovely for them to get away and spend some time with the grandparents.  It is also so important for us as parents to have a break too.  We can recharge our batteries and relax.  We aren’t running on kids time we are running on our time.  That period of time between 3pm and 7pm goes so slowly without kids!  You don’t realise how much time the whole bed and bath routine takes up!  Last night I just sat and watch television and had a glass of wine and it was lovely!

This time was different.  Husband is an avid mountain bike rider and has been for some time.  There was a race on and he wanted to race in it so he is away as well!  This is the first time I have been in the house completely on my own!  Our beloved Boxer dog passed away last year after 13 years so I didn’t even have him to bring in for cuddles.  It is a really strange feeling.  I mean don’t get me wrong I took this as a great opportunity to have some me time but at the same time, I miss them like crazy.

As I walk around the empty house everything I look at is little pieces of our family.  It is filled with random lego men, toys scattered in the dining room after their last game, paintings on the fridge, fairy stickers stuck to the carpet and unfortunately, several piles of clothes still needing to be folded since Thursday.  Little reminders of them are everywhere and it completely fills my heart with joy and love.  Our home while empty is so full.  Full of love, laughter, sometimes tears and angry voices but so full of happiness.  That overwhelming feeling of love fills my heart and although I am alone, I am content and fulfilled by what we have created and the feelings that flow from these walls.

I am a mother but I am also me.

I am not just the cranky, bossy mum that dictates the rules of the house.  I am fun, warm, genuine.  I enjoy walking, running, watching movies, catching up with friends, shopping.  All this I can do in this time as myself and no one else.

It makes you think a lot about your family and your kids.  When they are away I always think about the things I can do better when they get back.  Patience is my biggest problem.  I can be really impatient with the kids and I struggle to sometimes not get cranky about what they are doing, hurrying them along to get ready or getting angry with them for not doing something in a certain time frame.  I will try to do better.  And I think when you have a break you can try and reset.  I will try again.  Years ago I never really liked too much time to myself but now I am comfortable with myself, I enjoy my own company and I am happy with my life and where I am at. I like delving into myself when I have this time to reflect and think about what is important to me.  Analyse myself for how I can make things better, or behave better.  Teach my kids better.  Sometimes treat my husband better.  Self-analysis is a good thing and is healthy to do.  Looking at the year ahead and thinking about all the possibilities of what may happen with our lives.  Will we move or won’t we?  How will the house build go?  How will the whole move fall into place?  I have no answers to the future but I like to focus on what we may be achieving and how that will change me and our family.

I don’t mind looking at things that I can do better and also look at the things that I am good at.  What I am happy about is that inside these walls is a wonderful, caring and amazing family that I am lucky to have and be a part of.  Two beautiful children with amazing personalities that I learn from every day and an amazing husband that is supportive and generous.

I have truly enjoyed this time to myself.  I won’t get it again for a very long time, if ever so to have time to just be you, hang out as you and not answer to anyone is truly special.

And what do you know, within a few short hours the house is back bursting with everyone again, it’s like it didn’t happen.  The kids are fighting over the coffee table and the new cars they were given by the grandparents, the husband is tired after his race and needs a rest and so here we are, back to the chaos, the loudness, the laughter and the love.  But you know I wouldn’t have it any other way because they are the bones of this house and everything in it.  I thoroughly enjoyed just hanging out with myself.  As much as I missed them I felt I got reconnected with myself and I can now take a big stride straight back into the chaos of the Lyons Den.